Details have been removed to protect the innocent, guilty or otherwise.

One morning, about 5am, I was driving through a neighborhood when I was suddenly started by what appeared in front of my headlights. A man, dressed in business casual attire laying down in the middle of a yard. I jumped, as much as one can in a mid-size sedan. The man didn't stir from the sound of my vehicle or from my headlights pointed directly at him which bothered me more. I am aware that there are very few reasons people are outside at that time of the morning, the majority seem to be either workers, or people up to no good. Assuming the man in a button down and khakis had not discovered a new career in "lawn sitting," I first assumed he was either up to no good, or had a run in with someone who was. Although if he was up to know good, he would have been one of the best dressed and most underdressed criminals I'd seen, since it was only about 10 degrees above freezing.

I turned and drove down the street a bit then swung around and so I could see what, if anything, he was doing. I purposefully stayed far enough away that if he suddenly leapt up with a tire iron, I would have enough time to urinate on myself and make a hasty retreat. After no signs of movement for almost two minutes, I concluded that this wasn't going to resolve itself and there was no way in hell I was going out there to poke a body with a stick. I didn't hesitate to call 911. Who put me on hold. That's another story.

During my time on hold, and talking to the operator, I did see some slight movements so I assumed either the individual was alive, or I was living out a bad zombie movie. The operator kept asking for more details, but he was laying on his side, back to the street, so it was hard to tell much else. I got the location and details relayed and finally ended my call with 911. I watched as the individual rolled, or more likely fell, over on to his stomach. At that point there was some more movement and I thought he may have been trying to get up, but it looked more like he was getting amorous with the lawn. By amorous.. well.. you know what I mean. Luckily, in less time than it took on the phone with 911, three cruisers arrived.

Apparently police cruiser headlights have the ability to raise the nearly dead as what appeared to be a drunken frat boy suddenly sat up, and everything appeared okay. One of the officers told me "looks like someone didn't have a good night" and I tend to agree. Probably having officers wake you up because you're laying face down in a yard at 5am in the bitter cold, it's time to do some self-reflection.